‘Who’s Laughing Now?’ Says Covid Toilet Paper Hoarder After Explosive Diarrhea Outbreak

LANSING, MI — Six years after friends and neighbors mercilessly mocked him for filling his garage with industrial-sized towers of toilet paper during the COVID pandemic, local man Greg Hutchins reportedly emerged from his home Friday with a smug grin and a fresh roll of Charmin draped triumphantly over his shoulder.

With an outbreak of explosive diarrhea sweeping the nation, Hutchins smugly threw open his garage door, revealing a pristine paper fortress containing more than 300 rolls of toilet paper still stacked floor to ceiling in their original packaging.

“Hey! Hey Brian! Who’s the dummy now?” Hutchins shouted at a stunned neighbor. “I saw you at Taco Bell yesterday, Brian. It’s just a matter of time now. You’ll come begging me for a roll, and oh Brian, how I will remind you of all you said in 2020. My my, how the tables have turned.”

Neighbors reported that Hutchins spent the afternoon slowly driving his convertible around the block, cackling as streams of toilet paper rippled in the breeze. “Okay, I’ll admit you weren’t crazy, or whatever you want me to say. Just give me a roll of that ultra-soft,” said neighbor Hector Benavidez. “I think it’s time we put this behind us, Greg. And I mean that so very literally.”

At publishing time, Hutchins had asked that all neighbors please form one line to offer an apology and another line to beg for toilet paper.

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